birth day

I had a bit of a cry last night.

I wasn't really surprised, since I knew I'd been pushing this one down since my 48th birthday
earlier this week.

Debbie and I were at her house watching "Braveheart". No, I wasn't crying over "Braveheart", although it does have one of my all time favorite quotable lines;
"They may take our lives, but they will never take...OUR FREEDOM!!"

We had actually paused the movie, because it was late, especially on a school night for a teacher, and I was getting ready to leave. Debbie commented on the red cotton cardigan she was
hugging around her, and reminded me unnecessarily that it was one of several I had cleared out of my mom's closet after she died earlier this year.

I started to say that I had thought of Mom on my recent birthday, but I couldn't get the words out, and got choked up. It took me a little while on Debbie's shoulder to gather myself, but when I did, I was able to explain to Debbie what a mother of four probably already knew.

Whatever I've thought of birthdays for the past 48 years, I always thought of them as mine alone. I could choose to share them, or allow others to celebrate for and with me, but it was always a personal day. Until this year.

On my birthday, I remembered thinking that it would be the first one without my mom, but I was initially thinking selfishly that it would be the first that my mom wouldn't be there to wish me a Happy Birthday. It took me another day for it to sink in that my birthday was her day, as well, because there is no one else in this world more intimately involved and responsible for my birth day than my Mom. She was there. For all of it, but certainly at the actual moment of my birth into this world.

So while I had been celebrating 47 birthdays of my own, it had never occurred to me that I should have been more consciously thanking my mom, not for the new blue sweater, or the Tonka Toys, or the Cubs cap, but rather, I should have been thanking her for my birth, and for being the only one from this world who was there at my first one. And every one after.

After all, we had always shared it, and been in it together. Until this year.

So even though I couldn't bring myself to face it on the 10th of March, I did face it on the 11th.
And last night, as I laid my head down to sleep, and prayed the Lord, my soul to keep, I also thanked God for my Mom, and I thanked Mom for being my Mom.

And I wished her a belated Happy Birthday, for both of us.